Prayer

Dear God,

It's me. I come to you uncensored, unrehearse, unplanned. Just me. Taking another opportunity to pour out my heart to you. Just a few days ago I stood before your children, telling them how they should persevere and like the three Hebrew young men stand for you, stand with you even when times get tough. Then I remember telling them that the devil was going to increase his efforts to pull them away from you. Well, God, it looks like that time has come. I'm tired and I feel like giving up when I think about all the challenges that are ahead of me. You've provided for me in the past but it's just so hard right now to believe that you will do it again. I'm not sure why. I want to spend time studying your word but somehow something "more important" comes up. I know it hurts you when I spend so much time away from you and complain that I don't see you at work in my life. It's ironic. I know. I'm willing to take responsibility for it. If you give me a little extra strength, I may even be able to clean up my mess. But why Lord? Please just clean this mess for me. I get caught between what I want and what I know you'd rather have me do. I see with human eyes and I tend to trust only what I can touch. Teach me to see with my heart and feel with my faith. Help me to just have a glimpse of what it is that you see when you look down on me. I feel the devil bringing dark clouds around me. Lord, I don't want to be depressed. Deep down inside I know that it is in my moments of trial that you are praised. And that it's when I'm weak that I'm truly strong through your Son Jesus Christ. But I'm too weak to claim those promises. Please bestow them on me. Lord, break the shackles that have long held my feet down. As I walk with my head hanging down in shame for having walked so far away from you, please restore my dignity. The dignity that I can only find through you and through the sacrifice that you have made for me.

Lord Jesus I know that you did not die in vain. I also believe that you resurrected on the third day after your enemies - me and the rest of the world - nailed you to the cross. I'm praying that you will make the reality of your sacrifice a reality in my life. Help me live with the conscious realization that you are God and you have braved all the world's struggles so that I should not have to worry about anything except my connection with you.

Lord Jesus, I pray that you will purify my heart. Cleanse me and gear me up for your service. Wherever it is you call me to go, give me the strength, the will, the wisdom, the courage, and the humility to follow. And as I follow your leading, I pray that you will provide for my needs. Lord give me just enough to be content. Please don't give me more than I can handle. Draw me closer and closer to you.

Dear God, I also pray for all those who, like me, may be going through moments of darkness and a sense of separation from you. Please remember those who don't know you and are spending precious hours in the darkness. Reach out in love and touch them. Use me.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

MercyMe - Bring the Rain
Coming Up to Breathe

The Pain of New Beginnings...

I don't know if you saw this entry on my blog but I went through a lot of the same questions you are asking yourself today. Moving is never easy. Especially during the adolescent years. It's like you're always having to start your life over. Every time you get attached to someone emotionally, you have to leave a part of you with them as you move on. Sometimes I've asked myself, which is easier. Being left behind or moving to a different country? There's no straight answer for that. I've come to realize that you don't really start over every time you move. You build on what you experienced previously. Your survival skills improve with every move.

Whether we move from one country to another, one town to the other, or just change the environment we normally interact in, every change comes with its levels of stress. I've come to realize that God has equipped human beings with special abilities to adapt to different and sometimes stressful situations. I've also come to discover that with every move comes a growth a period of growth. In Bruce Wilkinson's book Secrets of the Vine, he uses the Bible to support the idea that God prunes us just like grapevine growers prune their vines. It hurts at first but it leads to growth and bearing of fruits. Our trials and the pains we experience as we separate from those we care about and move into strange new cultures are experiences that, if taken well can lead us into greater fulfillment. There's a purpose, even for the dark moments of life.

When I lived in Sri Lanka. 19 - 20 years old, It was the last country of 4 countries I had moved to in a period of 2 years. And right within that country I spent close to half of my time in the capital city and the other half in a remote town 9 hours drive away. In December that year I moved back to Nairobi, Kenya. So I can relate to what you're saying. And I'm just really happy that you are voicing what is inside and speaking to God. That's the only way that you can come out of dark holes - if you let God know and let your friends know so that they can be there to support you. Another thing. I admire that you set high standards for yourself and that you try to meet your goals as much as possible. But you have to realize that by 20 you can't possibly be (personality, character, spiritual maturation) the final product that God wants you to be. Even then you'll still be exploring the great possibilities that God has for your life. As you move and face different challenges, meet different people, God will shape you into the person that you aught to be. It's a long process and you need to be patient. I was sure at some point in my life that I wanted to be a pastor. But as I grew older and experienced different things. I came to realize that God was calling me to a different ministry - development. I've since been a happier person but even within the vast area of development God is showing me every day the various areas of strengths and weakness that I can exploit to be a better servant for Him and for mankind. There will be days when you will not get answers to your questions. Some questions might remain forever unanswered. But the bottom line is that we serve an all-powerful God and if we trust our lives to his care he will lead us to prosperity and personal fulfillment according to his plans. Jeremiah 29: 11 -13. In Isaiah 43: 1-3 he says that he will carry us through whatever challenges come our way. If you read the verse carefully you'll see that God doesn't take us around our hurdles, he takes us through them. This means there's a purpose for them. I love this verse and the promise that it brings to us. Alright, before I turn into a preacher, here's the blog entry I wanted to share with you:

March 10, 2007

Sayin' Goodbye

Leaving but not letting go and still believing that we’ll meet again. Even though the odds are against us, we wait, we trust, we hope. What tomorrow holds we’ll never know. But with each day comes a glimpse of tomorrow – an opportunity to shape tomorrow. With every separation I leave a part of me. All that remains are thoughts and memories of those we love and cherish. In those thoughts and memories lives a hope. A hope that you’ll meet again. A hope that even though we’re far from each other we can still care. The limitations that come with distance make it almost impossible to wipe out the tears that trickle down your face when times get rough.

Standing at the cross roads we wave goodbye. Heading into a future that reserves surprises beyond our wildest imaginations. Here I stand in that future. But hopefully this isn’t the end. For the course that I charted from the start is nothing compared to where I now stand. What’s next? I think hard and coin beautiful answers. But deep down inside I feel uncertain. I’m afraid. Sometimes I think I’ve stopped to believe. Do we leave because it’s God’s plan or is it simply destiny taking its course. The older I get the more question marks I get. The more I leave the more I feel numbed to this pain that once seemed unbearable. The more I leave the more I learn to love. To love beyond human limitations. To love and to give. To love and to sacrifice for people like me – members a family that was separated from ages past. Relatives of different skin and eye color. Brothers of different cultures. Sisters with brown, green, yellow, blue eyes, a mere reflection of years of pain, all tucked inside. Mothers and fathers that have all their lives struggled to meet their basic needs.

I leave and it hurts. But wherever I go, I meet family. People who like me have been scarred by the reality of sin. People who, like me, have experienced the pain of saying goodbye, often with no hope of ever meeting again. I also meet brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces, mothers and fathers, who have never experienced what it is to be loved or to love. Perhaps that is what You have called me to do. I don’t know for sure. Perhaps I will never know. But I leave and even though it often hurts, I continue to love. To give of myself. “…For it is in giving that we receive and in dying that we’re born to eternal life”

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Esperant Mulumba